The pentagon's overpriced toys

Marines can't go a single day without making a dick joke.

I read this article on Wired’s website this morning, Pentagon’s Lightning Gun Sold for Scraps on eBay. In short, it’s a hack job of consumer parts consisting of a wifi router, some fancy buttons, and robotics controllers that are supposed to pass as an industrial grade, military ready, electricity-making, anti-IED explosive device. In reality, it’s an overpriced toy that’s about as safe as sticking your hand in a garbage disposal while a bunch of unruly children play in the nearby vicinity—you may be fine now, but you can bet your candyass that you’ll be kissing those digits goodbye in no time.

This got me thinking that not only am I in the wrong business, but what if Apple were to start making warfare electronics and other war machines?The iPad, known by consumers as a handy tablet computer, would be known by the Marines as a portable and easy-to-use launching mechanism for a ground-to-ground missile called the iRockit. It would be spelled this way because it would play Megadeth tunes at dread inducing frequencies and vomit causing volumes when approaching the target site. To be effective, it would slow down, hover intimidatingly toward its target, and when it would tactically decide the optimum time to detonate, all bystanders (survivors obviously) would witness something akin to a Pink Floyd laser show observed through the eyes of a Dead Head “tripping balls” on the strongest batch of mushroom tea known to mankind.

The real beauty in this weapon would not be its creatively destructive force, but the irrational attraction to the weapon. Soldiers would not only be able to easily and safely deploy it, they would want to use it. They would fight over carrying its svelte, lightweight form and eye-pleasing aesthetics. There would be endless fights over choosing the playlist for the enemy to hear and vomit to moments before meeting their death.

Even more wonderful—the enemy would want to be bombed by such a device. They would fight amongst themselves to carry out the next attack against the Great White Satan to raise his ire enough to earn the honor and right to die such a glorious death. The only greater motivator to die a martyr’s death than the 72 virgins would be that they were sent to the bosom of these ladies via Apple’s iPad and iRockit. No more honorable death could a mujahedeen attain. Truly.

And this is just a simple, portable rocket, people. Let your mind wander and reel in the destructive beauty that Apple could create. The greatest threat that it would pose is that we would use it against ourselves—helplessly controlled by our base instincts, longing to experience the death wrought by such a mystical device. Perhaps akin to being gored by a unicorn.

It brings all new meaning to Steve Jobs’ popular expression, “Boom!”


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