Dear Aliens, Can we talk about this “abduction” thing?

I have a friend who wakes up nearly every morning at 3am on the nose. He doesn’t do it on purpose, he just wakes up. I tease him about this witching hour disturbance and plant thoughts in his head about ghosts and aliens. Mostly aliens because they’re nasty little buggers. Grey little perverts if you ask me.

Why does everyone think these things are so smart? Is it just because they have super cool flying machines? Is that all? I know a guy who has a Lamborghini, but he can’t be a decent guy to the ladies. Your vehicle means nothing—NOTHING!

If these guys were so smart, and really wanted to understand us, you’d think they would pick up that this abduction thing scares the shit out of us and they’d try to tone it down a little bit and be more accommodating. I get that you’re curious about us. We’re guilty of the same curiosity with other life forms, but we sedate intelligent creatures before we put things in their butts or try to plant something under their skin (except for fish of all kinds—sorry, fishes).

That said, I’d like to make a suggestion. You guys need a good PR team and I’d like to be your guy. Here are some suggestions for you to start changing your image and making the government more comfortable with finally letting us know you’re here.

  1. About that fear thing… there’s something in our psyche that does not like you at all. Waking up to those eyes is pretty fucking hard for us to get used to. So how about not waking us up. Use your psychic powers for good. Give us really pleasant dreams when you’re on the move and put us at ease. It makes it easier for everyone if our lizard brains don’t get involved.
  2. Imagine now that we’re on your ship now and you’re waking us up because you want to learn more about us and that’s pretty hard to do if we’re unconscious or fighting. Wake us up in a comfy chair instead of naked on a cold metal table. Here’s how I imagine it going…

    “Hello, human. (A nice British accent is strangely calming to us, preferably female) I know this is alarming to you, but rest assured that you are in no danger. Please be calm and I will remove your restraints. Would you like some hot cocoa? (We looooove cocoa.) I hope the robe and slippers are to your satisfaction. Please, tell me about yourself. What is your name?”

    As a side note, only abduct the physically strong people as needed because they will likely give you resistance regardless how nice you are. But don’t go too small either because I promise you they’ll have something to prove.

    And on goes the conversation. We get friendly. We drink some cocoa together. Maybe a couple of laughs and BAM! We’re friends! Of course you’re still going to want to do the anal probe thing (use lube), and we’re not too thrilled about it either, but if you throw in a prostate exam for us males, a nice lavender scent for the ladies, and any miraculous medicine science to heal anything going awry, we’ll cooperate.

  3. When you put us back in our home please don’t bang us around and make us wake up in a strange place. Again, that’s very frightening. Tuck us into our beds. And be sure you make this a pleasant experience that our brains don’t try to block. Not remembering something is also scary.

This is just the beginning, just a few ideas off the top of my head if you will. Drop a line if you want to start working together. Please apply the suggestions above, of course. Let’s work together and make everything better for all of us.

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